Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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