Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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