2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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