God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
