Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
