god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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