why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
