did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
