Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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