when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
