You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Randomize
