I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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