Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
