RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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