How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
