apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
