An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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