I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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