your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
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Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
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If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars