Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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