I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
