I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
