He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
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