She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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