Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
