Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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