i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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