fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
