They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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