the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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