My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
