Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
