Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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