I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
