he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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