eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Shame is for Republicans.
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