Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
