The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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