Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
