No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
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So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
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She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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