I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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