There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
