Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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