what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
