A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
