I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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