Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
