This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The air taste purple.
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