ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
