I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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