My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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