My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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