Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
