there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
