I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
