Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
