He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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