i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
