first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
