Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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