Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
