apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
