You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
