He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
